Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I Want Boobs. I Like Them.

This week has been incredibly unusual for me. I finally made a decision I've contemplated for years. And... since there's no way I'm going to be able to hide the outcome, I've decided I'm going to share the step-by-step experience. But, I'm going to have to start from the beginning (well, kind of) so I can explain some of my train of thought and why I decided what I decided. Most of my closest friends never met me until I was much, much, MUCH thinner than I could ever remember being, so I think I need to give background before I'm judged too severely. Not that I care that much if you judge me.

I was born at 1:20pm in the afternoon on December 31...

Wait, that's a little too early there, let me skip up a little bit.

I was a fairly inactive child and teenager. Sure, I did all the usual stuff like riding my bike, swimming, etc, but I was also a huge fan of sweets and hiding with my nose in a book. (I still am... it's something I have a daily battle over). I really didn't understand the fact that soda and chocolate and chips would make me fat; especially when combined with the fact that I didn't exercise nearly enough to even maintain my weight. It's why I can understand how frustrated some people get when they try to learn how to lose weight. If it's not something you're familiar with, it can seem alien, and difficult. I'm going to spare you the description of my teenage love of Fritos, Snickers, and Pepsi and how often I ate them. Instead I'm just going to move on. Let's just leave it at I was 165 lbs in 6th grade. (That's a 12 year old by the way, in case you don't remember)

Another thing I had in 6th grade was boobs. I love boobs, I always have. They were only a "B", but they had a nice shape and I wore un-padded bras and adored them. My sister shot up to a D (I refer to her as jacuzzi hover tits. They're perfect. Bitch. [love you sis]), and I developed "boob envy". She also got to be 5'2" with straight dark hair. That had been my plan. Apparently I wanted to look like a Japanime. Not that I'd ever seen a Japanime at that point, that was just the most beautiful image my tall, blonde little mind and I could come up with.

By the time I was 16 I came to realize that I liked having small boobs; they were perky and they didn't sag. It was nice. Unfortunately, I kept gaining weight so my boobs didn't really stand out. They also turned into what I term "fat boobs". Those are boobs that are caused from gaining weight and lose some of their natural shape. They're not a result of genetics, just weight gain. By the time I moved to Oregon I was close to 185 and 18. I still had a "B", but it somewhat blended in with my cylindrical midsection to leave me looking like somewhat rectangular.

I hit my max of 209 (and a C cup YAY) when I was 19. I was in a really unhealthy situation all around. I was in a bad relationship, I worked swing shifts at a 7-Eleven and basically had to live off their food. Right before my 20th birthday I decided that something had got to change. I broke it off with the guy, I joined step-aerobics at my college and I stopped taking birth control pills (which I have really bad reactions with). I went down to 183 and couldn't believe it. I was so excited. The next term I added circuit weight training after step-aerobics and got down to 175. I was thrilled. (I'm 5'9" by the way... so you can get proportions. 175 looks way different on me than someone that's 5'4"). My boobs went down to a B, but still had an okay shape although they had some aspects of "fat boob". They now were a little saggier and didn't have the perkiness to them because there was a bit of extra skin. I fought my way all the way down to 148 at one point... and I was amazed. I saw a tiny little gap between my thighs when I looked in the mirror while changing one day.

At 22 I was dating a guy who thought I was too skinny. And he was a damned good cook. He fed me and fed me and fed me. By the time I'd graduated and was working full-time at my first office I had slowly climbed back up to 194 with my feedings and lack of exercise. I woke up one morning and decided I just couldn't do it anymore. I changed everything in my life: eating, dating, driving, exercising... and I transformed my entire body. I exercised all the time, I ate salad, I got 8 hours of sleep a night. I dropped down to 165 lbs and met everyone in California that I loved. That's the heaviest any of them have ever seen me, and for me... that's just kinda plump.
By the time I moved to California I was 155. I'm now around 140 because I put a little bit of weight back on over the last few months.

You might be wondering why I just gave you a novel on my different weights throughout my teenage-adult life. Let me tell you...

With all that weight flux my poor boobs lost all the fat they had ever had. And it never came back. I had been okay with my cute, small boobs that looked like boobs. I liked them, and just told myself I was "streamlined." But now they looked... flat, almost deflated. I looked like I had breast-fed children. (I still do actually). I hated it. I wear padded bras exclusively, I have padded swim-suits. When I look at myself naked I feel icky. I have excess skin where I used to have boobs. Now, I'm not at the point where I can flap all that skin around or anything, I'm not a 90 yr old woman that breast-fed 12 children, but I can see that looseness and it makes me feel gross. I tried taking hormonal birth controls, but those just made my life miserable and didn't affect my boobs at all. I lifted weights, I did pilates, I did everything that everyone suggested hoping that the skin would tighten up and at least have my boobs remain in a boob shape. Nothing worked.

I have joked about buying boobs for years. I'm more of a butt girl, but I love boobs. I've always wanted them. I come from a family of nice boobs. There was only one other sister that had small boobs, and she is naturally petite where I am not so her boobs look awesome on her. I always thought that buying boobs would be so expensive I would never be able to do it.

Last week I went onto my Evil Bookend's friend's website and he had a boob special going. 4k for boobs? REALLY? I couldn't believe it. If it's only 4k on sale, how expensive are boobs? I had always assumed 10-12k. I suppose I always guess high, but with how everyone had been talking they sounded insanely expensive. It was then that I realized that I really could buy boobs. So I started looking.

I spent the last week looking at boob doctors. On Monday, the doctor I was running and I both looked at boobs all day. I finally decided on a doctor based on his amazing boob pictures. They looked real. He kept the natural shape to the boob (all boobs are shaped different in case you have only seen one set of boobs before. Ha!) So I called, and started my journey towards boobs.


  1. Phoebe, as one with extraneous boobs who would have been delighted to donate a cup size to you, I congratulate you for your decision to do something that makes you feel more like you envision yourself looking like. I have no judgment. One day, I will have liposuction on my inner knees and upper thighs because, even at 95 pounds (and i can send a picture to prove it) i always have had and always will have dumpy fat padded legs regardless of weight, size, or fitness level. I believe everyone has the right to do what they want to do to look the way they would like to look.

    That aside there is one thing I want to say and I hope you will receive it with the utmost love and respect I have for you.

    I HATE when I am fervently working on my weight and someone tells me "OK you look good. Don't lose anymore" because it makes me angry and it feels like they are trying to control me or are afraid I will look too good.

    That said, I want to tell you that when you were 20 and 21 and lived near my area, I thought you were scrumptious. I thought you were voluptuous but not in a fat or chubby way, but simply luscious. I wished my body was more like yours. Having just seen you a few weeks ago positively model-like svelte, it was a bit striking to me. I mean.. you look like you could be a fashion model bodywise. Your face and hair and smile *always* were positively luminating and beautiful, but now you have a svelte fashion model figure.

    I just want to be one person who tells you, not out of envy or jealousy although i do admit I am very disappointed in my own figure right now, that I found you every single bit as gorgeous and striking when you lived out here as you do now. now you look sophisticated and different, but no more lovely than you did as the 7-11 girl I knew.

    I hope this comes off right. I really love you so much and I want you to believe deep inside yourself that your weight was not unattractive in the slightest back in those days. If this is the weight you genuinely feel more "yourself" at, then enjoy it and go for it. You are inspiring. Just please know that you were never seen as fat or slovenly or chubby or anything else like that. You have ALWAYS been utterly gorgeous and perfect the way you are and were.

    With love,


  2. Sheri,

    I love you too. I guess I didn't point out a key fact: I never felt that I was ugly at the weight that you knew me at. I'm not an unfortunate-looking chubby girl. I feel at a much more healthy weight now. I don't breathe heavily going up stairs, or hiking. My face doesn't turn bright red just from standing up and walking around (it still turns bright red constantly, but not as easily LOL). This isn't really about getting huge, porn boobs... it's just balancing out everything and getting rid of what are genuinely... well, to put it bluntly... skin flaps tucked into a (very) formed bra.

    Thank you for your comments, I really do appreciate it. And I MISS YOU!