Saturday, November 26, 2011

Really? Why Even Say That Shit?

So, every once in a while I get this wild idea that I'm going to go out and date. It always seems like a good idea. This time could be different! My friends are right, I can't just hide out with my cats! And whatever else might float through my head as I'm considering dating someone, (generally it involves the thought of "ooh, he's cute").

Recently I've been putting a lot of thought into stupid phrases that get dished out to people in relationships (both romantic and friendship). Do people ever listen to themselves when they say this crap? Today's pondering is fluttering around the break-up phrases...

Why is it when people are breaking up one of them feels the need to say, "you're so amazing" and "don't let anyone ever tell you you're not as wonderful as you are" or something along those lines? I've heard a variation of this particular thing a few times (even when I'm the one breaking it off) and it never ceases to irritate the fuck out of me.

Really, I'm amazing? Then how did we get to this point? And why would I let someone tell me differently? I'm not a huge fan of sitting around and having someone tell me how mediocre I am. I am quite capable of doing that by myself.

What is WRONG with people?? Why can't we just be honest about this shit? Breaking things off would be much less drawn out and full of anguish if people would just bypass the bullshit and say what the fuck is really going on.

For instance:

- You annoy the shit out of me and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life listening to you demand attention.
 - I hate your cat
- You snore
- I really liked the idea of you, but the reality is a little more ridiculous than I thought

and, my personal favorite,

- I just don't want to be with you anymore (heard that one... ouch, but it definitely helped on the moving along and not hanging on)

Really, it's the same thing as when people end up getting butt-hurt over a fling. Why tell the other person how much you want to be with them if you just want sex? Most people are okay with just having a happy little tryst. We don't need to hear about how you'd walk to the ends of the Earth to be with us, or that you can't live without us. Believe it or not, girls like sex too. Try something new and original. You'd be amazed at how well it works.

For instance:

- I'm not necessarily interested in a relationship, but I like you and I think we should hang out for a bit (used that before)
- I like hanging out with you, but I don't know if I want more (totally reasonable)
- I enjoy your company, but I'm busy as hell and don't feel like making time for you (used that one once or twice)

The reason why things get so fucking complicated in relationships is the bullshit (at least in my limited experience). Don't say things you don't know if you mean or not. If you aren't sure if you want a long-term thing, don't say you want a long-term thing, it won't change anything. I promise it won't. If a person wants to be with another person they will hang in there until the two of them can figure out if it develops into something you can't imagine not having, then great, but otherwise, save the other person the hassle of having to sort through all the crap you throw at them. It always confuses me to hear that sort of sappy conversation because I'm quite happy NOT hearing someone tell me they can't live without me. That makes me feel uncomfortable. It puts expectations on me, especially if I don't feel the same way (or if I don't know if I feel that way or not).

Now, nobody is perfect, we've all gotten carried away in the moment and said something a little more than how we really feel. It's not an intentional "I'm going to hurt your feelings" thing, but it happens. The best you can do is TRY not to say this shit, but if you can't do that, at least try to be cognitive that people actually listen to the shit that comes out of your mouth while you're trying to sneak into their pants.

Cat Ladies Hate Dating

So... I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm a failure in the romantic realm. (Yes, I know, I'm also a failure in the whole "finish saga of boobs" realm, but whatever). But really, if we're going to be specific, I'm a major failure as far as my own relationships go. If we're only focusing on as far as everyone else and their relationships go... well, that's an entirely different story. I give great romantic advice, just ask me!

In my research, I have been coming across some fairly odd patterns that occur between friends. The one that's been pestering me lately is I keep hearing the phrase, "don't let a guy come between your friendship." Now, the phrase is not what's bothering me; we all know that to follow that advice is a really good way to live. You should never ever put some random dude over your BFF. That being said, I rarely hear it being appropriately used. In fact, 9/10 times the chick saying that is the person that just made a move on your boyfriend, and the other 1/10 is your boyfriend that just shoved his hand down your friend's shirt.

I mean, really... let's look at this a little deeper. How exactly can a boyfriend (aka BF) come between a friendship? Other than the general she just stops paying attention to her best friend (aka BFF) and only wants to be around her BF. While this is what this phrase was originally intended to be used for, that's NEVER actually the scenario that someone uses this phrase. Whenever this saying comes out it always has to do with some sort of romantic interaction between BF and BFF and when the girl finally says something about it she gets some crap-ass line of "Bros before Hos" or some shit like that.

Let's be honest here, just for a moment. It is incredibly rare that a BF can come between two BFFs who have a real friendship. In fact, most men are overjoyed that their girl has friends outside of the "relationship". This means he does not have to go shopping, listen to her bitch about work, or tell her if her pants make her ass look fat. She has a BFF for all of that. It also gives him time to go scratch himself while watching sporting events with his friends, or drinking excessive amounts of beer and watching scantily clad girls dancing around and acting like they'd really want to go home with him while serving chicken wings. It's a win either way for BF. Why would he want to come between his ability to have a good time?

It is highly unlikely that there would be an instance that a BF would want to come between BFFs, but, as I have put an enormous amount of time researching human behavior, especially in the romantic realm (not mine... DUH), I feel that I can shed a small amount of light on this issue. I believe there actually are a few ways a girl's boyfriend can "come between" her and her BFF. Allow me to list some examples:
  • He tells her that he's going to leave her if she doesn't stop hanging out with that fat snatch of a friend. (This generally occurs after he is rejected by BFF)
  • He mauls her BFF sexually and she gets upset at her BFF for "making a move" on her man
  • Girl's BFF finds a guy so inappropriate that she stops talking to her friend until she dumps the loser douche bag
Yeah, that's about all I can come up with. For the most part, the only time I ever see this line come out is when one of the BFFs has crossed the line with her friend and then feels that she can validate her behavior with a guy "coming between" their friendship.

 If you step over the line and come onto your friend's boyfriend, YOU are coming between your friendship. The guy is an idiot (obviously if he's falling for behavior that is fueled by your obvious lack of self-respect) and you are demonstrating you have no respect for yourself, your friendship, or (in situations where both friends have boyfriends) your own boyfriend. Double that lack of respect if you're doing all of this in a public environment. To blatantly come on to a man who is not your boyfriend sends a very clear message that you could give a shit about your friend or her relationship with you (which is exactly what a man displays while behaving inappropriately with a girl that is not his girlfriend). 

No no no no... Ladies, allow me to offer a simple advice nugget to help you maintain  your friendships with the people that SHOULD be a part of your life forever. Or, in a simpler explanation: How to keep a guy from coming between your friendship.

Don't act like the only way you can achieve validation is through sexual attention from the opposite sex. Flirting is fine and fun, but show respect for yourself, your friends, and the relationships of everyone involved and you might be able to come out of a social interaction without looking like a desperate tramp that is hanging onto the memories of being relevant in high school. Everyone makes mistakes in this realm, especially if they have pure intentions at heart (it's harder to see how someone could mistake the intentions behind your behavior if you don't think you're doing anything untoward), but own your shit if you cross that line.

Also... if that advice is too in depth... just try to GROW THE FUCK UP and stop trying to compete with your friends. You're either friends or you're not friends. Friends don't vie against their friends for attention from the opposite sex. I am grateful for the knowledge that I have surrounded myself with women (other than my cats) who are secure and happy with themselves and can go out and have fun with each other while leaving the petty, harping, passive-aggressive bullshit at home. There are reasons why there are jokes up to high heaven about women being mean and petty to each other. Break the mold ladies, there is more to life.


Off the soap box now.