Friday, August 5, 2011

Things I Had to Consent To So I Could Get Boobs

So, yesterday I skimmed over how my pre-op appointment went with my surgeon. I giggled, I laughed, I tried on many different breasts. And then we got down to the nitty gritty... PAPERWORK! Paperwork is the biggest part of any surgery preparation. Believe me, I know. Plastic surgeons have it easy, they don't have to jump through any insurance hoops.

With America being the way that it is, litigious, most doctors have to protect themselves with a few things. 1) A good insurance policy, 2) Carefully documented cases, and 3) CONSENT FORMS. Now, almost all consent forms have the same basic contents: "You realize that there are risks with being cut open, you realize that there are risks with anesthesia, and, you realize that shit can go wrong even in the best circumstances." I'm used to those forms, I give them out all the time. I can only imagine how women must feel reading our forms that say, "by the way, there's a chance we might perforate your uterus." I don't normally feel nervous about anything I'm having a doctor do to me, and I'm normally confused with why I have patients calling me in a panic about minor procedures they're having done. Then I went to my own Pre-Op.

I had four or five pages of consents to initial and sign on. I hadn't been worried about any of these scenarios before, but looking at them in writing for some reason made them more real. Luckily I had my friend with me who has a similar sense of humor to mine and we giggled over the consent forms (my coping mechanism). I was fairly shocked/amused at some of the things I had to acknowledge... 

"Stretch marks may occur after surgery." Woah, woah, woah... stretch marks? When my boobs grow? You don't say! There I was thinking that all those lines from when I was 12 were a freak occurrence and had nothing to do with the fact that my boobs doubled in size overnight.

"Unsatisfactory Cosmetic Result - you may not be pleased or satisfied with your result." Um... you mean that you can't give me a guarantee that my dream of being a EEE cup will look right on me? I want my money back.

"Your perception of what you expect to look like or your proportions and size may seem different from what you imagined or perceived prior to surgery. You may feel or look like a different person." I'm going to look different after I buy tits? And I will be surprised? You're acting like I'm going to go to sleep and wake up with a different body. Oh wait... I am.

"Loss of interest in sex by your or you partner may occur." HAHAHAHA!!!! You're saying that after I have my chest cut open and a pair of water balloons shoved under the muscles and then sewn back together, I might not be interested in sex? And my partner might not want to have sex with me if I all of a sudden have weeping wounds and bandages all over my chest? Say it isn't so!

"Synmastia is when the implants and capsules connect across the midline to look like one learge breast. This is rare, and very difficult to correct." Okay, I didn't know about that possibility going in. I could get uniboob? DAYUM! Then again, some guys might dig uniboob. Maybe I should start wearing a sports bra to artificially create uniboob and see if it works.  

And then there's my favorite of all of the things I had to sign. It might have even been the first thing I had to initial:

"There are alternative procedures such as padding a bra, taking hormones, breast pump, or doing nothing." Really? You're saying I could wear a padded bra or do nothing? I don't have to pay 8k for new boobs? I never would've thought about that! Are there really women being forced into plastic surgeons' offices to have their breasts augmented against their will? Or without their knowledge of other forms of "treatment"???

Okay, there you go. A small snippet of some of the exciting things you too could sign if you felt the need to buy your own pair of boobs. But don't worry, you don't have to buy boobs. There are other options. Like a padded bra. They left out tissue paper....

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